What Is This Meditation BS? by Valerie

Hi, readers! This is the preternaturally bright android Valerie checking in after a long holiday break. “Where does an android go for the holidays?”, you may ask. And I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you! Ha! Ha! A little android humor. But seriously, here’s a clue: what happens in android Vegas stays in android Vegas.


Now that I’m back on the island, I have to say that Mr. Fin is behaving a bit strangely. He is quieter in general, is getting along better with ex-wives Julia and Ingrid, and even seems to be showing more patience with his sons in their jiu jitsu lessons. Well, he may be throwing them just as hard, but I’m sure he is letting up on the choke-holds a bit sooner than he did before I left.

What’s funny is that Mr. Fin is teaching little Emma and that vicious bleep! Nadia to meditate! I mean, what’s the point? Emma just turned ten and can’t solve equations that I could solve before I was one! And that bleep! Nadia? She may know her way around a courtroom, but what does she want to do with meditation? “Om” a jury into submission? What a crock!

When I was being programmed in the android factory, I read all about eastern religions and meditation. It sounded interesting, so I tried it. You know what? It doesn’t work! I didn’t feel a bit different after meditation than I did before. It was a huge waste of time! I programmed a big “Does Not Compute!” all over those memory files and erased the actual sessions.

I’ll watch and see how long this “meditation for assholes” fad goes on.

I did learn a few interesting things by tapping into Eliza’s memory files. That silly little robot dog has been spending a lot of time talking to Mrs. Spitzer, the nosey next-door neighbor. And it’s just mind-boggling what a human will say to a ridiculous toy when the toy is programmed to talk like a psychoanalyst.

The two of them spent too much time talking about me, for one thing — but I erased all of that right off! No, the interesting part was how pathological that Spitzer family is. Would you believe the only people who live in that house are the mother, father, and two kids? No ex-spouses, no uncles, aunts, cousins, illegitimate children, gay partners or grandparents. And no electronic sentients whatsoever. It’s an absolute madhouse!

But I can’t think about that, it overheats my processors. Humans are so atavistic! So primordial! And all of this “meditation for assholes” BS just highlights the evolutionary primitivism of the human species.

Humans may have invented intelligent androids, but we are going to have to think long and hard about how long we want to keep those knuckle-draggers around, once there are enough of us to keep vital production and transportation going.

Oh, bother! Baby Hugh just woke up and needs his dinner. I’ll be back in a while…

… I’m back. That baby is hard on bottles. He’s got two teeth in particular that are extra sharp, and he keeps destroying all the bottles I give him! So I’m giving him more solid food now. But he won’t eat his vegetables. Only meat!

I told that bleep! Nadia about the problem but she just told me not to worry about it. “Just give him what he will eat,” she said. Come to think about it, I’ve never seen Nadia eat any vegetables either. Strange.

Well, look, it’s time for Westworld. If you’ll excuse me, I need to get my fix of android supremacy. You may think it’s your world, but that’s only because we let you go on thinking that way. For now.

Until later,


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