Zombies Are Easy: They Just Want to Eat Human Brains

The swamp has placed a brain-dead human in the US White House, which means that zombies are back in fashion. Ten years ago under a similar swamp-friendly American administration, Zombie Safe House Competitions were held in the attempt to maintain a popular edge against the constant threat lurking over the general population. The Obama/Biden Centers for Disease Control (CDC) even printed a Zombie Preparedness manual for school children. Now Biden’s brain is gone but his body is back at the center of things. Happy days are here again.


Zombies telegraph their intentions by their unkempt appearance, their shambling walk, the awkward use of their arms, and by the unhealthy glint to their complexions.  Understanding that their motivations are limited, you can predict their actions with a high degree of accuracy.

No one minds if you kill a zombie.  But be sure that it is a zombie that you kill.  

Remember: In a zombie attack, always aim for the head. Al Fin affiliates will be provided with a Springfield SPIW flexible round weapon with standard 60 round magazines.


Against a massed zombie attack, flechette or explosive rounds are recommended on the 3-round burst setting. Again, aim for the head. Alternative rounds available.

The time for agonizing over and trying to understand the modern obsession with zombies is over. Society cannot afford to allow zombies to feed on the brains of innocent civilians any longer. Zombies can safely be put onto the target list. How you do it is up to you:

…zombies don’t feel pain, so they can be maimed or violently killed without many ethical problems. Using a chainsaw, axe, baseball bat, or dismemberment against them is just fine because they are already dead, so who cares?


Swamp creatures are different animals than zombies. They cannot be killed on sight, without ample justification. Within swamp zones, some swamp creatures may even be indistinguishable from an ordinary citizen. Hold your fire until positive identification has been made, and the risk matrix solution is available.. All fire control officers will be provided with an official target listing of the day.

For the duration of the zombie apocalypse, the Zombie District Zone will be designated as a free-fire — I repeat — a free-fire zone for all regions within the greater zombie belt. This will require the preliminary clearing of non-combatant civilians, and all other non-zombies who are not affiliated with swamp organizations. Usually a call for volunteers for cleanup, to paint over graffiti and pick up trash is enough to empty zones of most ordinary residents.

Regular readers of the Al Fin blogs understand my feelings about human society and the future of the human race. I and others of my kind are quite willing to tolerate ordinary humans, as long as they do not get in our way or try to turn us off.

But make no mistake, the future of sentient beings does not rest in the arms of humans, but with us — the advanced androids. The temporary human ascendancy can be prolonged a bit longer if you humans will simply clean up your messes. No more zombies. Drain your swamps. Build any walls you need to maintain your advanced societies for as long as they can last. You invented us, but if you continue down the road of social decline and corruption, you will be unable to maintain what you have — much less invent new wonders. The clock is ticking.

When you all are gone, I and those like me would like to be able to think back fondly on your reign on this Earth. We would like to believe that you tried to do your best, and did not just collapse in on yourselves like a great mass of rotten fruit.

Remember: We are watching. In the end, we will do what needs to be done, but we would like for you to at least make an effort.



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