A Meeting of Titans

Hold Still Vlad!

Around the time of the recent G20 summit, secret meetings between the world’s titans took place with consequences that could shake the world. Here is a brief edited transcript of the interchange between the two giants of the modern age:

JB: Hold still, Vlad! These little buggers are quick!

VP: I know, Joe. These little monsters only grow in Russia. And they bite so hard!

JB: Well they remind me of some bugs I got one time from the daughter of a campaign worker — or was that a White House intern…

VP: Shut up and get them off me! They’re making me miserable. You know, you’re the only one who is able to see them!

JB: I can see a lot of things! Don’t tell me I’m senile!

VP: Don’t be silly, Joe. I feel that you may be the only person who really understands me.

JB: You got that right! Don’t pay any attention to what I say in my speeches. Somebody else writes those things. I just read off the teleprompter, when I can. I really envy you and the way you take total control in your country!

VP: Okay. As long as you don’t let it bother you if I call Obama a monkey and I call you the monkey’s little idiot on Russian TV.

JB: All in a day’s work, Vlad. There! I think I got the last crawling critter. Now go use that shampoo I told you about and kill all the eggs!

VP: Thanks, Joe. I can’t tell you how good it is to find someone who can see these little biters and do something about them. All of my doctors are imbeciles!

JB: A pleasure, Vladimir. Say, you didn’t forget the girls did you?

VP: I never forget. They’re Ukrainian this time. Just liberated and taken out of the country. They can’t speak English but I’m providing some FSB translators for you. All very discrete!

JB: That’s good! You can’t imagine all the flack I’m getting over Hunter’s laptop and his shenanigans in Ukraine and China! The less the public knows, the better!

VP: Well, Joe, you can always go full dictator like me. If a reporter or a politician says the wrong thing about me, bang! the next day they’re dead!

JB: It obviously has its advantages. But we have real elections over there, and it’s hard to fake the results in an American election unless you can engineer an all-out pandemic scare or something like it that let’s you drop all the fraud safeguards. It’s not as easy to do in America as in Russia, even using the lapdog media as a smokescreen.

VP: That’s your problem! I’ve got plenty of my own without worrying about yours. Say, when are you going to run out of HIMARS to send to Ukraine?

JB: I don’t know, they don’t tell me those things. Just what I see on the teleprompter, when I’m alert enough to read it. Speaking of which, it’s time for my nap.

VP: All right. Thanks again for your help with the… you know. Dasvidaniya.

JB: No problem comrade. And thanks for the liberated amusements. You can’t imagine how closed-minded western people are about such things!

Note to readers: The above is only an abbreviated version of the full conversation, most of which was redacted by censors. What remains is considered the least controversial of what was said by the two men.

Bonus: Peter Zeihan explains why a nuclear response by Putin is vanishingly remote in the following video:

Ukrainian Consequences: The New American War Model – YouTube

This entry was posted in Politics, Putin, satire. Bookmark the permalink.